Legislating boredom

[Note: The picture below may be considered inappropriate. You may wish to avoid scrolling down if you are at school, in the workplace, or if you are South Carolina state Rep, Ralphy Davenport.]

Very soon, big drug cartels may start adding a few new products to their shipments to South Carolina.

A new blend of heroin perhaps? Maybe a cleaner methamphetamine? Nope...

Dildos, vibrators, and butt-plugs.

Via Boing Boing:

Lucy’s Love Shop employee Wanda Gillespie said she was flabbergasted that South Carolina’s Legislature is considering outlawing sex toys. But banning the sale of sex toys is actually quite common in some Southern states.

The South Carolina bill, proposed by Republican Rep. Ralph Davenport, would make it a felony to sell devices used primarily for sexual stimulation and allow law enforcement to seize sex toys from raided businesses.

Get ready for Sex Toy Prohibition, kiddos. It's gonna be one heckuva public policy.

I just have to chuckle at the thought of S.W.A.T. teams kicking down the doors of private businesses and rummaging through merchandise to find "devices used primarily for sexual stimulation."

"Officer Smith, does this Pez dispenser look like a sex toy to you?"

"Hmm... check to see what the manual from the Office of National Dildo Control Policy has to say."

"It's rather ambiguous. It is pink and plastic and about the size of *ahem* well, you know. But it also dispenses small tart candies."

"Hrm. Better bring it into the lab for testing."

All jokes aside, the ridiculous lengths to which many of our elected officials are going in order to push their own brand of morality are getting quite scary. "Life, liberty..." and what was that last one, Mr. Jefferson?If the puritans of the South Carolina legislature are successful in criminalizing the pursuit of kinkyness, drug prohibition may give us some warning signs of what to expect. Lucrative black markets for pleasure gadgets will spring up overnight, putting armed salesmen on every urban corner. Sexually experimental youngsters will roam the streets looking for a fix, eventually coming across their first "gateway dildo" to harder plastics. Prisons will be clogged with people whose only crime was trying to relax with a hot bath, some candles, and 'Johnny Depp Junior' after a long day at work. Worst of all, shady opportunists will fashion vibrators out of cheap household appliances, maiming or killing unfortunate masturbators with electrical malfunctions.

Undoubtedly, some concerned citizens will stand up to Sex Toy Prohibition and fight to restore a safe, regulated market for the products. They will be ruthlessly pigeonholed as perverts and sexual deviants, but will continue their fight for a more sensible society. The student movement, of course, will be unstoppable.

Update 4/24:

Texas, Mississippi, and Alabama have already outlawed the sale of sex toys. Initially, I really didn't think the South Carolina proposal had any legs... but it looks like the prudish precedent has already been set.

Thanks for the heads up, Hammer of Truth.

[Apologies to Elian Gonzalez for the photograph.]