Sunday, April 23, 2006

Legislating boredom

[Note: The picture below may be considered inappropriate. You may wish to avoid scrolling down if you are at school, in the workplace, or if you are South Carolina state Rep, Ralphy Davenport.]

Very soon, big drug cartels may start adding a few new products to their shipments to South Carolina.

A new blend of heroin perhaps? Maybe a cleaner methamphetamine? Nope...

Dildos, vibrators, and butt-plugs.

Via Boing Boing:
Lucy’s Love Shop employee Wanda Gillespie said she was flabbergasted that South Carolina’s Legislature is considering outlawing sex toys. But banning the sale of sex toys is actually quite common in some Southern states.

The South Carolina bill, proposed by Republican Rep. Ralph Davenport, would make it a felony to sell devices used primarily for sexual stimulation and allow law enforcement to seize sex toys from raided businesses.
Get ready for Sex Toy Prohibition, kiddos. It's gonna be one heckuva public policy.

I just have to chuckle at the thought of S.W.A.T. teams kicking down the doors of private businesses and rummaging through merchandise to find "devices used primarily for sexual stimulation."

"Officer Smith, does this Pez dispenser look like a sex toy to you?"

"Hmm... check to see what the manual from the Office of National Dildo Control Policy has to say."

"It's rather ambiguous. It is pink and plastic and about the size of *ahem* well, you know. But it also dispenses small tart candies."

"Hrm. Better bring it into the lab for testing."

All jokes aside, the ridiculous lengths to which many of our elected officials are going in order to push their own brand of morality are getting quite scary. "Life, liberty..." and what was that last one, Mr. Jefferson?If the puritans of the South Carolina legislature are successful in criminalizing the pursuit of kinkyness, drug prohibition may give us some warning signs of what to expect. Lucrative black markets for pleasure gadgets will spring up overnight, putting armed salesmen on every urban corner. Sexually experimental youngsters will roam the streets looking for a fix, eventually coming across their first "gateway dildo" to harder plastics. Prisons will be clogged with people whose only crime was trying to relax with a hot bath, some candles, and 'Johnny Depp Junior' after a long day at work. Worst of all, shady opportunists will fashion vibrators out of cheap household appliances, maiming or killing unfortunate masturbators with electrical malfunctions.

Undoubtedly, some concerned citizens will stand up to Sex Toy Prohibition and fight to restore a safe, regulated market for the products. They will be ruthlessly pigeonholed as perverts and sexual deviants, but will continue their fight for a more sensible society. The student movement, of course, will be unstoppable.

Update 4/24:

Texas, Mississippi, and Alabama have already outlawed the sale of sex toys. Initially, I really didn't think the South Carolina proposal had any legs... but it looks like the prudish precedent has already been set.

Thanks for the heads up, Hammer of Truth.

[Apologies to Elian Gonzalez for the photograph.]

21 comments:

free lessons said...

i liked the first picture :-)

800 pound gorilla said...

Actually there are no arguments for continuation of drug prohibition that wouldn't apply to the prohibition of privately owned vehicles. And yes, a lot of people get pleasure from driving. They've already cracked down on "cruisers" in most metro areas - in the style of prohibition, they chase cruisers from one area of town to another; as soon as the police are visibly active the cruisers find another venue [sound familiar?}. They also cracked down on prostitution too with similar results. They then claim "success" when known hooker habitats are cleaned up [resurfacing elsewhere].
With the popularity of demonization making career politicians out of people who make careers by not solving problems look out for a crackdown on pedophiles. The latest clamor over MySpace.com is an early warning shot. Already, cloak and dagger operatives are scouring the net posing as preteens to lure suspected pedophiles into trysts. That's why I don't visit chat rooms. Even without these cloak and dagger operatives it's really a pain for a fifty something to get constant online conversation from attention starved teens and preteens. What will make this interesting is when a cop posing as teen encounters [has probably already happened too] a lonely teen as a suspected pedophile.
Of course, all these "solutions" are directed primarily at problems that afflict younger people. The reason they tend to be racial or ethnic in nature is that minorities tend to have the same lack of influence that teens have at much older ages.

cliff said...

I, for one, welcome our sex starved, busybody overlords.

defenestrati said...

Engagement ring sales are about to take a tumble, no?

Anonymous said...

Welcome to the United States of Bush.

You have the right to:

1. Life (up to the day of your birth)

2. Liberty (your welcome to any opinion, as long as it's ours. Other opinions shall be considered treasonous).

3. The pursuit of happiness (attendance of protestant religious service is manditory. Just ignore the bit about charity and compassion and you'll be okay.)

Anonymous said...

The State of Mississippi has banned the sale of said toys in the past month. Or at least so says a friend of mine that lives in that state.....

Shades@Midnite said...

okay, I'm confused here. I'm no lawyer. Is selling them the same as owning them. Say I buy a Rammaster 5000 on ebay and leave it on the couch to change batteries and my nosy neighbor spots it. Can she call the cops and I'm doing hard time??? Just thought I'd ask.

Anonymous said...

Won't they also need to outlaw certain vegetables and fruits? Will folks in S.C. have to show I.D. to buy a cucumber?

triplepoint said...

sorry--I can't help it. Ridiculous lengths? Like 12 inches?

Micah Daigle said...

Haha. Good question, anonymous. I actually initially speculated that S.C. Stop & Shops might anticipate the increased demand for cylindrical objects and start stocking more cucumbers and bananas, but I cut it because my post was getting long enough and off-topic enough as it was.

Perhaps Rep Davenport will also propose legislation to impose the penalty of severing a hand caught masturbating.

And the moral of the story is: Prohibition is ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

That is one big dildo.

Blue Gal said...

congrats on the C&L link. Why not do what we do here in Alabammy and just order 'em off the internet? That way you get some porn too when you Google search for the best price.

Stephen Gordon said...

Hey Blue,

I seem to run into you at the strangest places. Hope you are doing well.

Anonymous said...

This gets the award for "Most Screamingly Hilarious Post of the Month", (possibly Year).

It goes to show that the best comedy comes from tragedy, which is why we're finding so many truely laugh-out-loud posts on all subjects lately.

Us progressives is so witty.

tedinla said...

So, seriously...what possible public good are they trying to do by banning sex toys for adults? They must have a rationale to explain what they're trying to do, yes?

I can sometimes figure out what sort of wierd justification will be used in support of retarded unnecessary laws, but I'll be damned if I can come up with anything to explain this.

Let's see, the product is sold to adults in specialized stores which only allow other adults to enter, kept out of sight (presumably) by the consumer--so the kiddies won't see them and instantly turn gay--and are only taken out of hiding during sex between consenting adults (presumably). What's the problem?

They can have my buttplug when they pry it out of my cold, dead...

Anonymous said...

Guns, yes!! Dildos, no!!

I think the justification must be that Republicans are pencildicks and their women prefer toys to getting screwed by "Mr. Bush"!

Anonymous said...

WOW! How the peoples of United-States could be THAT retard!!! Finally americans arent better than talibans.

tedinla said...

I was sort of looking for a serious answer. Believe me, I got plenty of snarky comments sitting in reserve, but for now I really want to know what they are truly thinking...

GreginOz said...

There was a Baggins called Bilbo
who made a really good dildo
and jammed it up his Ring
until he did sing
"La, la , la...lalala, la...one banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4...all bananas rigid and wiggling on the floor...Oh when the Saints, oh when the Saints cum, in-sert-ing...
I got a Mr Massive, 1/2 a packet of cigaretts, and a tank of gas, we're on a mission from God...Rawhide.

Adam Scavone said...

"The Iraq war ... was kind of a boom for our company." -Stephen Rhodes, Sinulate Entertainment.

"Teledildonics" is apparently connecting soldiers and their far-off wives.

So, I ask, why does Ralphy Davenport want to ruin the sex lives of soldiers and their wives?

Adam Scavone said...

article here