Harry Pothead: The Sorceror's Stoned

I need to be honest here: The seventh Harry Potter book is coming out on Saturday, and between now and Friday at midnight when I will be sporting a wizarding cape and lining up at Barnes & Noble (I think I'll dress up as a Death Eater to cause a hullabaloo), I plan on reading the first six books. Thus, it is really difficult to make a legitimate drug policy blog post without bringing Harry into it.

I'm not so embarassed about that, not even the cape part. What is embarassing is the fact that, circa 2000, I wrote a story entitled "Harry Pothead: The Sorceror's Stoned." I posted it on fanfiction.net along with my other really horrible stories about Legend of Zelda, Harry Potter, and the X-men. (No, I am not providing a link here. Go find it yourself.) If you are not familiar with fanfiction.net, that's okay; you live a relatively normal lifestyle. If you are familiar, then you are laughing heartily with me right now. Or at me. I don't mind.

It was basically reefer madness, Hogwarts style. I had forgotten what D.A.R.E. had taught me about how to ingest marijuana, so I simply made it "magical" marijuana so powerful that just being in a greenhouse with it could get you buzzed. I did, however, remember D.A.R.E.'s claims about the drug's effects. As in Reefer Madness, one mere toke got Jimmy I mean Harry hooked. Here are some excerpts:

From Chapter One, in which the plant is introduced in Herbology class and Hermione is too stoned to answer Professor Sprout's question:
"Marijuana, also known as 'pot', is a powerful, illegal drug that can be smoked or eaten. Its effects include dizzyness, violence, hallucinations, aggression, and loss of coordination. Using, holding, buying, or selling marijuana results in jail time and suspension from school," Lavender answered, sounding like she'd swallowed the D.A.R.E. workbook. [I actually did consult my old workbook for this.]

In chapter two, Harry gets hooked through a series of events involving innocent curiosity and a freak wand accident. Deus ex machina like whoa.

In chapter three, Draco Malfoy makes fun of the crazy things Harry did while high and consequently gets punched in the face by an unusually aggressive Harry.

Chapter Four and thankfully the final chapter, in which Fred and George Weasley drug everybody as a prank and the strung out Professor Trelawney saves the day thanks to her high tolerance:
"YOU DRUGGED UP DRACO MALFOY?" Hermione thundered, looking like a crazed angry rhinocerous. Then she started laughing insanely at something behind the Weasley twins.
"Yo dudes, what's shakin'? I'm feelin' some bad vibes, man," Snape said. He was wearing tie-dyed robes and his oily hair hung over his face.
"Yes we did, Hermione," George whispered. "But we didn't stop at just ONE little Slytherin first year... we had lots left, why waste it?" Everyone who heard this statement either eyed their goblets suspiciously or spat out their pumpkin juice in horror.
"Whoa, dudes!" Snape jumped in alarm as everyone sprayed him with their spat-out pumpkin juice. "Love and peace, man, love and peace."

Make of it what you will.

There was going to be a sequel, Harry Pothead and the Scent Dogs from Azkaban. That fic would probably more serve the drug policy reform side than the anti-drug propaganda side. Perhaps I shall redeem myself by writing it, or a different and more hilarious version of the original... but then I'd have to redeem myself again just for writing fanfiction, so I dunno. (Said the girl who's going to a midnight release in costume. Seriously, what do I have to lose?)