Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Ah, pseudoscience.

According to the FBI, the "meth epidemic" is responsible for a whopping 1.3% increase in violent crime over 2005:
"There was an increase in the usage of methamphetamine. We think there may be a correlation to the increase in violent crime," says FBI Assistant Director Dan Roberts.
I concur wholeheartedly with these findings, and applaud the FBI's use of the scientific method. I strongly encourage scientific thinking, since I find it to be quite useful in my daily life. For example, this morning I noticed that somebody drank the rest of the protein smoothie I bought. I also noticed that I have an unsightly pimple developing over my breastbone. I deduced, since these things occurred more or less simultaneously, that stolen beverages result in pimples.

Now this makes me mad! Nobody likes pimples. So people ought to stop drinking things that I buy without asking. I should spend my next couple of paychecks on a hidden camera to install on the refrigerator door so that I can catch the scurvy thief* in action. In the mean time, I should tell every potential drink-stealer that if they take my protein shake, I will soon be beset with acne as a direct result of their delinquency. And upon catching them, I'll kick 'em in the shins. It's tough to lay down the law, but it beats being pus-encrusted. Yup. Gross.

Coincidentally, meth usage also causes global warming. No really. Global temperatures have been rising, so has meth usage, it's a simple matter of putting two and two together. Duh.

In all seriousness, though, we all know one great way to reduce violent crime. How about: We end drug prohibition, because prohibition causes violent crime by creating a profitable black market that attracts violent criminals. Thanks, high school US History!

*P.S. If you're the person who took my smoothie, it's all good. I don't mind at all. No really, stop apologizing. I just needed an example of a pseudo-scientific conclusion for this blog here, and I happened to think of that. No harm done. I hope it was refreshing. Mi casa es su casa.

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