Saturday, December 24, 2005

Scrooged and Grinched

December was a particularly bad month for medical marijuana patients in California.

Instead of holiday cheer, the federal government brought holiday fear in the form of vicious raids on many of the state's medical marijuana dispensaries. Now, many suffering Californians will be forced to rely on generous gifts from friends and relatives to tide them over this holiday season. How do you drug warriors sleep at night??This illustration was taken from the brilliant graphic novel, A Drug War Carol, by Susan Wells and Scott Bieser. If you haven't read it yet, take some time to check out here. These inexpensive books make great (belated) stocking stuffers for your favorite (and not-so-favorite) elected officials.

On behalf of California's medical marijuana patients, I'd like to end this post with a song dedicated to Drug Czar John Walters:

(to the tune of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch")
You're a mean one, Mr. Walters.
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel.
Mr. Walters.

You're a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.

You're a monster, Mr. Walters.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders,
You've got garlic in your soul.
Mr. Walters.

I wouldn't touch you, with a
thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.

You're a vile one, Mr. Walters.
You have termites in your smile.
You have all the tender sweetness
Of a seasick crocodile.
Mr. Walters.

Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the seasick crocodile.

You're a foul one, Mr. Walters.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk.
Mr. Walters.

The three words that best describe you,
are, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."

You're a rotter, Mr. Walters.
You're the king of sinful sots.
Your heart's a dead tomato splot
With moldy purple spots,
Mr. Walters.

Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing
with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable
rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.

You nauseate me, Mr. Walters.
With a nauseous super-naus.
You're a crooked jerky jockey
And you drive a crooked horse.
Mr. Walters.

You're a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool
With arsenic sauce.

Okay, now one more time for Mark Souder...

and another for Karen Tandy!

Happy Holidays, Justice Warriors.


800 pound gorilla said...

Mr. Walters derides medical marijuana for its lack of scientific studies showing it to be useful.
The HUGE problem for Mr. Walters is that he has no basis for complaint. There has never been any legitimate scientific study showing any banned drug to be inherently harmful. No similar study has even showed any banned drug to be significantly more addictive than legally available alternatives. How can someone who enforces a policy with zero scientific legitimacy invoke science?? Why hasn't there been even one mass media outlet ridiculing Walters' argument? Why isn't even one talk show host screaming ridicule at such assinine commentary by such a public figure exercising great power to harm others?

kaptinemo said...

800LB, there's been one notable exception to your observation regarding talk show hosts: Montel Williams.

Mr. Williams even had the (then) Number Two DrugWarrior, Andrea Barthwell on his show and royally shut her down. The forcefulness of both his arguments and his anger at what all MMJ patients like himself go through thanks to this 'chidren's crusade' of a DrugWar caused her to shut her lie-spewing biscuit trap and keep it shut the entire time of the show. If more talk show hosts showed that kind of gumption, the 'War' would be over very quickly indeed.

If there's anything DrugWarriors like Walters, Barthwell, etc. fear in their heart of hearts it's someone armed with the facts and willing to publicly ram them down their throats. That's why they have an almost Pavlovian reaction when the word 'debate' is mentioned: they shrink from it as if it were poison, and run as if it were radioactive. Intellectual cowards they are, and remain.

Anonymous said...

You seem like an angry group of kids. Are you sure everything is ok?

Perhaps you should consider doing something about what you're whining about instead of just attacking people. Seems to me like if you all really got organized you could actually make a difference. So far, you've really sucked at making any impact at legalizing weed.

Tom Angell said...


SSDP consists of hundreds of students all across the country working to make a real difference. Our students have lobbied local, state, and federal lawmakers (many times successfully) to enact drug policy reforms. Some of our chapters have changed the drug policies on their own campuses, while others have passed local ballot initiaives.

Next up, we're suing the government in two separate lawsuits. Find out more at

What have you done to foster more just, effective, and compassionate drug policies? You might want to think about joining SSDP or another reform organization so that you can help make a difference, instead of just posting anonymous comments on blogs.

kaptinemo said...

In the first episode of the groundbreaking Ken Burns series The Civil War, we are treated to a story of what happened when a Black freedman (someone who had managed to buy his manumission) met his first Union soldier.

According to the story, when the freedman saw his first Bluecoat, he said, quote: "If I'd known you gun men were a-comin', I'd-a saved my money."

Look beyond the initial humor and you find something ugly: a man willing to remain a slave, a man who was willing let someone else fight and die to free him. A man who put very little value on that freedom...unlike many of his fellows who were not content to just have escaped slavery, but put on a uniform and went back to the lands of their captivity to fight those who had enslaved them.

The analogy should be obvious. So should the inference. But if it's not clear enough, Anonymous, I ask you plainly: which kind of the above mentioned persons are you? The person willing to let others face what every activist does, cheering from the sidelines as too many cannabists do? Or do you roll up your sleeves and go to work?

kaptinemo said...

(Three days of constant cricket chirping with no response.)

I rest my case.

800 pound gorilla said...

You just validated my point about the lack of discussion. The DEA has no standards. Check out their site: . There is no specific mention of any objective standards.

The only standard mention is "potential for abuse". That is a sorry standard that is totally subjective. The DEA in another section states that alcohol causes many problems [outright lie; didn't even bother with false associations]. They state that if other drugs were legalized that the problems would increase. The fact that these new problems would have to arise from nondrinkers is irrelevant to discussion. The fact is that the DEA admits that alcohol is a drug with a "high potential for abuse" that is exempted from enforcement. I requested in writing that they give me a complete list of exempted drugs and was blithely ignored. You can verify this through Congressional representative Defazio [OR 4th district] office [I don't have his 800 number readily available].

The point is that Montel Williams may have shut down his guest [no difficult task since its his forum] but I doubt that he brought up the fact that the Controlled Substances Act has no objective standards for enforcement and that there has never nor will ever have any legitimate scientific testing showing any drug to be harmful. Why that fact hasn't been continually brought up by drug policy reformers totally baffles me.