Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The danger of bread is that too much of it is spent on the war on drugs!

See because "bread" is an old slang term for money. Yeah.

Anyway, this has been circulating on the internets for a long time, but I got a kick out of it and thought it should be in DGD. (It was in my friend's livejournal. Thanks, friend.)

The Dangers of Bread

A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread- induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....

  1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
  2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
  3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
  4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
  5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
  6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.
  7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
  8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
  9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
  10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
  11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
  12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

  1. No sale of bread to minors.
  2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
  3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
  4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
  5. A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers. Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.
At least they didn't recommend bread prohibition. Imagine the impurities that would show up in black market bread, and the exorbitant prices, and the fires starting when people cram dangerous industrial ovens into secret basement rooms, and the violence surrounding the illegal bread trade, and the environmental destruction when people start growing wheat in national forests, and so on!

So, is your bullshit detector functioning properly? Good. Help us end the federal war on bread! I mean drugs! which is justified largely by nonsense statistics and non-causal correlations.

Similar to the dangers of bread is this classic on the dangers of water.

4 comments:

irinalex said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
irinalex said...

hahah Rebecca, you crack me up.

BREAD EATERS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!

Allan Erickson said...

Hi Rebecca... yes that dang bread!

Whoever is the SSDP rep for California might want to check out this link:

Those sneaky and underhanded legalizers.
http://thehive.modbee.com/?q=node/5518

Its a thread about a survey sent out by someone named Randy: "a guy who is working on his Masters thesis at a southern California University."

Its a chance for an SSDPer to meet one of the most snide and ineffective andti-drug activists out there, Linda Taylor from Modesto.

Have fun.

Mesila said...

(Read in my best Boomhaur voice)

Y'know about that danged ol' rye bread,doncha?

Ah yep, getcha all loaded up with that nasty err-got, huh-uh, people all over eatin' rye that gone bad'n having them prehistoric acid trips, that dang ol' Claviceps purple, that's what them egghead hippie bunch calls it...Boy oh boy, that Saint Anthony got himself a prime case of pyromania and that ergot was his Fire...and it was that bread that brung it on!

They burned chicks as witches, all 'cuz they'd been gettin' gotten by that er-got, from eatin' that bread...crazy chicks all runnin' about seein' stuff that no one else could, yah, we sure gotta do somethin' 'bout that bread, ahhyep...