Sunday, February 11, 2007

Just Say No to Toast...

Funny stuff:
Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.


In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Over a month without a blog entry and this is what gets posted? What the hell is going on inside SSDP?

Anonymous said...

here here first anonymous person

JT said...

I've seen this one before-only it stated that 98% of violent crime occurred within 12 hours of eating bread. And the first one also failed to mention all the health problems connected with bread-related allergic reactions.
And yes, most drug war scare messages that are pseudo-science in nature contain mountains of statistical correlations as these are the most easily manipulated. However, the biggest unchallenged lies are the ones not stated: like the fact that we haven't even bothered to do even statistical correlations before criminalization of any drug. Nor is it much mentioned that only a minuscule portion of "drug-related" crime has nothing to do with trafficking and the exorbitant price of black market drugs.
Getting authority figures like school board members to establish honest policies about full disclosure is like pulling teeth. They won't even acknowledge those complaints in school board meetings.

Anonymous said...

Maybe "jt" can take over the blogging responsibilities as s/he apparently has something to say, unlike the 2 contributers listed.

Speaking of which, what happened to the dozen or so people who were listed as contributers? Were their views unworthy of being posted on the official SSDP blog?

I'll wait a month for an answer!

Jonathan Perri said...

HAHAAHA. Well, I agree, not much action here on the blog for the begining of 2007. But... we are students for sensible drug policy (key word students), and while it is a poor excuse, its not a shabby explanation that January rolled in with a 18 credits of classes, working to pay rent, and studying. The blog unfortunatley took the back seat for me. But guess what?!
Theres alot going on in the reform movement this year and we will be blogging it all. Apologies. I had no idea you missed us so much.

Jonathan Perri said...

And no ones views are considered unworthy on this blog. They were inactive contributors, not unworthy ones.